Take Your Congealed Cow Pus and (Something)!
March 16th, 2012 at 11:16(a follow-up to The First Day of the Rest of my Stinky Life)
Dear Hiring Manager,
It is with both satisfaction and regret that I am withdrawing my candidacy from Murray’s Cheese. It has been four months since I have applied to be a cheesemonger without so much as a, “We currently are not hiring,” or, “We are looking for someone with our kind of sense of humor” (i.e. someone to read from a list of your generic cheese jokes while complimenting ladies’ blouses—I’m not sure if you have stock cheese jokes, but an insider has informed me you do have a customer interaction sheet* that does involve complimenting someone’s blouse, even going so far as to lie to the person by saying, “I have the same one in red,” or something like that.
In addition to retiring from my position as someone who wants to be a cheesemonger, I am quitting cheese. That’s right! Yes, this is the man who once devotedly wrote of his experience tasting Montgomery Cheddar and sexually harassing the rotund (I just added this detail!) cheesemonger at your Bleeker Street location. Yes, this is the man who, after being ignored the first time around, again sent his cover letter and resume, all the while tasting whatever gourmet cheeses you had to offer. Yes, this is the man. The man who tried to step into the stinky world of cheesemongering. The man who now plans to go vegan. And it’s all because of you, Murray!
This is going to be a long and difficult journey. It will take some finesse convincing my girlfriend to give up dairy. Or maybe it won’t. I didn’t even try to convince her to go vegetarian. It just sort of happened when we started eating together. It’s called a sexually transmitted eating disorder (I didn’t coin that, so don’t credit me when you tell all your friends. I don’t know where I heard it, though). As difficult, or long, or not the journey might be, I’m going to start referring to your product as congealed cow pus. That makes it sound less appealing, no?
Anyway, fuck you! I found a new food to be obsessed with: dosas! I just have to figure out if they’re vegan or not. I think so, but my Google search “are dosas vegan” has yielded some confusing pages. I have some research to do! Please, Ganesh. Don’t take this away from me! Is that rascist? No, it’s not. About 83% of South Indian people are Hindu (according to Wiki). Take that!
Somewhat sincerely,
Jonathan “Congealed Cow Pus Coiner” Briggs
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*Feel free to adopt the following customer interactions:
If a customer asks for a taste of cheese, pull out your knife and say, “No problem. I’m a master at cutting cheese. Although, my wife/husband says I have to stop bringing my work home with me.” If the customer is unfamiliar with the expression “cut the cheese” you should then proceed to break wind. I recommend eating lots of broccoli before attempting this, as less and less people are familiar with this expression.
If a customer seems irate say, “What’s the matter? You seem a little cheesed.” Pause for recognition of the witty pun and laugh along with the customer.
If a customer asks about the aging process of a certain cheese, find the most out of shape and/or unhygienic cheesemonger (preferably the guy who introduced me to Montgomery Cheddar), point to his armpits, and then pinch your nose in the pee-yew fashion. If this person is you, I recommend not eating as much congealed cow pus and/or general washing.
If someone asks to speak to your manager, say, “You mean The Big Cheese?” Repeat this until the customer is exasperated and finally asks to speak to The Big Cheese. Then tell the customer that your supervisor won’t be in for the next three to eight years.
Tags: bleeker street, Cheese, cheesemonger, cow pus, dosa, hinduism, Murray's, sexually transmitted eating disorder, veganism, vegetarianism
April 27th, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Mr. Briggs… you are an inspiration to cheese haters everywhere. My personal beef (“beef” is meant in the context of irritation, bother or extreme hatred, not dead cow flesh) with cheesemongers began on a sweltering summer day in August of 2008 when I chanced upon the Murray’s location in the Grand Central Market while visiting the city of Nuevo York. Upon approaching the cheese counter, visions of Aged Manchego danced in my imagination station (this is my brilliant and creative word for brain space… I am a part-time master of words). My plan was simple, pick up some cheese from Murray’s and rush over to Pier 83 to catch the 3:00 PM departure of Circle Line Cruise. But my plans were ruined, torn to tiny shreds by the cheesemonger who fed me sample, after sample, after sample of delicious Cabrales, Tallegio, Camembert… the list goes on and on… until I nearly burst. In this haze of cheesy goodness, I stayed at the Murray’s counter until 10:26 PM! Completely missing my Circle Line excursion and my flight back home to Waterloo, IA, I stumbled away from Murray’s in my cheese-drunken state and woke up the next morning in Bryant Park, sticky with sweat and my wallet gone! Destitute, I returned to Murray’s to be nourished, but my cheesemonger friend shunned me. Ashamed and unable to return to my kin in Waterloo, I began a sewer-rat fighting ring in the undergrounds of New York City. Soon, I became known as “Rat Master”. Leaving my Christian name behind I vowed that I would never depend upon cheese again… and I would not even feed it to my precious rats, for as wonderful as cheese is when you’re consuming it, there is a very dark side. And that dark side will pull any living creature into a horrible abyss of poverty, self-deprecation, and despair. On Christmas morning in 2011, Baby Jesus came to me in a vision to lead the fight against cheese. “Wine and bread, eat much of these, but never let your lips touch cheese” spake the sweet Baby Jesus. As founder and President of Chz H8ers, I implore all victims of cheese to join me in the march to prevent the ingestion and digestion of cheese. On Memorial Day (Monday, May 28th) at 10:00 AM we will walk around Bryant Park 500 times (one time for each different variety of cheese recognized by the International Dairy Federation) in peaceful protest. Join us!